


Eizen goes to the mall

by phalarope (mniotilta)



Category: Tales of Berseria
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-07
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-10-29 04:00:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10846041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mniotilta/pseuds/phalarope
Summary: Eizen goes to the mall and things happen





	Eizen goes to the mall

**Author's Note:**

> hey so i finally have time to watch more of the let's play of berseria and i'm only like idk 8 hours in maybe but i had an idea so i stopped the video opened a tab and started writing this instead of getting ready for work/doing actual things i need to do
> 
> idk what kind of au this is

Eizen was walking FAST because he had BUSINESS TO ATTEND TO later that day. he was a landlord and needed to do landlord things, like charging rent, and fixing broken toilets, and issuing really poorly designed newsletters for his tenants about things going on in the apartment complex. "graphic design is my passion" he said, using 5 conflicting fonts in the same paragraph. he thought ht looked nice but he was wrong.  
  
anyway he was at the mall, and he was going FAST past all the stores, he had no time to window shop at sears, or kohls, or even those pretzel stands malls tend to have that have those greasy pretzels that you loved as a child, or maybe that's just a midwestern united states thing (shoutout to all my homeboys in the midwest!!!! lov u). he was going fast because he needed to get exercise in. he was a very busy man and about the only time of pgysical activity he had time for was mall walking. he was very good at it and was in a club for other likeminded mall walkers. he was working up a sweat today! man he was thirsty.  
  
he was so thirsty, and then he saw a vending machine with delicious beverages. he normally did not spend money on luxuries like this, but the bright red glow of coca-cola (authors note: hey coca-cola if you're out there and reading this can you sponsor this fic i need money to visit my partner and also fund my bird book buying addiction thanks) machine, filled with all sorts of wonderful products, made his dry mouth scream at him for nice cold fluids. he felt around in the deep pockets of his pants and felt some change jingling around. he could treat himself, he thought, his pink headband and wristbands he had on were drenched in sweat from his powerwalking. he pushed the first coin into the machine.  
  
"Godfucking dalmint," he said, trying to not yell too loud. he had made a mistake. he had placed his lucky coin into the machine instead of a quarter. the machien took the coin and it told him he had placed 25 cents in. eizen tried to press the eject button, but the machine flashed the message "under capitalizm you must spend money to keep this pipedream going you must buy buy buy our products :)" and eizen punched the machine but nothing happen because cocacola is indestructable. all hail coca cola.  
  
this was awful!!!! he tried punching the button again, like, 5o times. "that was my vessel, i need it to be a Pure Boy" he was talking to himself which attracted the attention of a fellow mall walker, rokurou rangetsu  
  
"hey ezien what's wrong?" he said, powerwalking up to him. he was wearing red gym shorts and a tank top that had the space jam logo on it, a film which he had never seen despite knowing all the words to the song.  
  
eizen didn't say anything and he just punched the amchine again and knocked it over.  
  
"eizen i know that look.... you are sadcore :(" said rokrou, who placed a loving hand on his shoulder.  
  
"i am not sadcore!!!! shouted eizen" "i am madcore!!!!" and angry eyebrowed.  
  
"let us see if magilou can help us, she's working in that store now." he pointed across the mall at a sign that said GAMESTOP in large letters. they walked into the store together.  
  
"woah, hey guys, welcome to eb games" said magilou  
  
"this is gamestop," frowned eizen  
  
"no i'm p sure this is eb games. anyway waht can i help you with"  
  
"do you know how to fix the vending machine, i lost soemthing very important in it."  
  
"you lost your lucky quarter again? i got like, 500 quarters in my register, u wanna see?"  
  
"for the LAST TIME," eizen said with intense eyes, zooming in, "it is not a lucky quarter. let me explain it to you what happened."  
  
eizen didn't have any paper and magilou claimed she didn't have any either, so rokurou offered his shoulder. eizen took a sharpie and drew four squares. the first had him powerwalking through the mall by himself. teh second had him and the vending machine. the third had him and rokurou talking about hte coin. the fourth had him standing over the fallen vending machine. if you thought "is the author trying to make a reference to the loss comic" you are correct. it isn't very good but i tried. i tried for you, my reader. now rokurou has loss drawn on his shoulder.  
  
"well i am not goign to help you until you buy one of my wares," magilou crossed her arms. "i'm all about that cash money"  
  
"no"  
  
"yes"  
  
"no"  
  
"yes, do you want the key to the vending machine or not."  
  
"how do you have that"  
  
"sometimes i get the Thirst and i'm all about petty theft. how do you think i have 600000 copies of scribblenauts at home? i steal from work"  
  
"gib me it plox"  
  
"not until you buy something from me."  
  
eizen swiftly perused the store and picked up a copy of battletoads.  
  
"hello. my name is eizen. i am a landlord. and i would like to purchase this video game," he said, sliding it across the counter.  
  
"great that'll be $10,000"  
  
eizen SLAMMED DUNKED battletoads behind the register and powerwalked out of the store. he had no time for this bullshit.  


* * *

"dude, i want to stay and help, but i have to go work my shift at the 7/11" said rokurou, who had followed eizen out of the store. "have you thought about triying asking mall security though? maybe they can help you"  
  
"ok" said eizen, and they did the secret mall walkers handshake before rokurou left.  
  
the thirst was growing greater. he didn't knoe where he was in the mall. he had never walked this part of the mall before. he traveled on for what felt like days, and hten he spotted a familiar site. it was his favorite store to buy pants and accessories from. hot topic. it was an oasis in the desert.  
  
he bURST INTO HOT TOPIC AND PULLED OUT HIS LOYALITY MEMBER'S CARD AND SLAMMED IT DOWN ONTO THE COUNTER OF THE CAHSIER. THE CASHIER. WHO WAS VELVET. JUST STARED AT HIM.  
  
"what the fuck do you want eizen"  
  
"i know where fighting, velvet," he closed his eyes. "but we need to put aside our feud. a matter of national security is at stake."  
  
"did u lose your favorite coin again."  
  
"it's not my favorite coin, the state coin of oklahahoma is my favorite coin, cause it has a scissor-tailed flycatcher on it, i told you guys that like 80 times."  
  
"well whatever."  
  
"i need to get my coin out of a vending machine, at all costs, soon, before somebody buys something and the coin is lost forever."  
  
"that's not my problem, and i'm not helping you."  
  
"VELVET, i will say it! i will admit i am wrong. but i need your strong arm crab hand (a reference to the song crab hand by crudbump) and your hot and cold (a reference to the song of the same title by katy perry i think) demeanor."  
  
"say it"  
  
"the original star wars triology is better than the prequel triology..... there i said it"  
  
"damn straight," she crossed her arms and a fallout boy song came on.  
  
"help me find mall security velvet."  
  
"wow eizen, i might have to take away your loyalty card if you're going ot be such a normie. where is your punk rock spirit. fight the man. you don't need the law."  
  
"velvet i will turn into a dragon if i don't have my coin."  
  
"look i told you i don't want to hear about your fursona."  
  
"and i don't you i don't want to hear about your voring fetish but i still have to hear about it anyway."  
  
"FINE," she yelled. and yelled in the back room. laphicet appeared.  
  
"hold hands with laphicet and he'll take you to mall security."  
  
"i'm glad to seeyou two are getting along again! :D" laphicet smiled, but eizen was out of there with laphicet in no time. he even forgot his loyalty card.  
  
"lol by bitch" velvet said, putting his card into the hot topic industrial paper shredder.

* * *

laphicet and eizen held hands and walked through the mall. they reached the security desk together, but there was nobody at it. eizen told laphicet to go back to hot topic, and he stood there at the desk for 5 minutes, waiting. patiently. nobody showed up.  
  
eizen became an angry man and he couldn't take any of the waiting. he would take his density into his own hands. he powerwalked through the mall as fast as he possibly could. he needed to get the coin. he needed to get a thirst quenched. he needed to go home. antiques roadshow was going to be on pbs soon and it was a new episode.  
  
he found the vending machine and he punched it again, and again,a dn again, beating the shit out of it on the floor. he was getting nowhere. the coca cola corporationw as too powerful, and he was only a man, a cog in the machine. he had an existential crisis, but he kept hammering away. he felt arms around him, trying to pull him off of the vending machine. it was elenaor.  
  
"eizen! you cannot destroy property! as a land lord you certianly know the value of pristine property! think about all the beachfront views there are!"  
  
"it's maldaptive to the enviornment if done wrong but the views are so wonderful!" he cried.  
  
he heard sirens . wee woo wee woo wee woo.  
  
in the distance, the mall folk parted ways. a segway appeared and there was a person riding on it. it was oscar blart, mall cop. he looked angry.  
  
"what is this," he stared. "what is the meaning of this, deputy mall cop elenaor"  
  
"it was an accident!" she lied, "eizen was power walking too fast and ran into the vending machine."  
  
"then why does it look like it was punched"  
  
"look at these muscles," she said, holding up eizen's arm as he wept about the destruction of shoreland habitat. "if you ran into these, you'd get dented too." she rolled a 20 on a bluff check or whatever people say in dnd  
  
"okie dokie!" he smiled. "that makes sense! but i still need him to come to the desk to write a report."  
  
"blease.... my crops are dying....." eizen lamented, but he was dragged back. he was so thirsty his mouth tasted like sand, the same kind of sand that anakin skywalker hated in the prequel trilogy. the report was filed quickly, and he made his way back to where the venting machine was, struggling to walk, it seemed so close and so far away like a mirage in the distance. there was a fountain between him and the machine. it was too much. he knelt down and drank the fountain water, mouthfuls of it, and a child stared at him.  
  
zaveid walked by. he was humming his theme song. he saw the ventdng machine. "i could go for a bev" he said, thinking he was cool by calling beverage just bev, but he was not. he was a major league gamer, and there is nothing cool about that.  
  
"oh hell yeah mountain dew," he inserted coins into the machine with his doritos dust covered fingers, "taste the rainbow." he pressed a button. the dew came out.  
  
eizen flew across the room, fountain water still trickling from his mouth, and punched zaveid in the face.


End file.
